Friday, January 14, 2011

#1 I hate this.

This is gna be my first wordy entry. So, skip this if you hate words.

Everybody knows tht education is the fundamental part of our lives. Especially if you live in Singapore. You eat you live and you breathe books/notes/lectures/classes. Certificates are the most wanted, then agn, especially in Singapore. In education, everyone has their own path. We all make our own choices. Mine was pri schl > Sec schl > JC > Uni (hopefully). Pretty obvious t many who know me. I know of many people like me, taking the same path, walking the same road. & these many people I know of, taking the same path, walking the same road, hv a lot more brains than I do. They can commit, they're hardworking, they're meticulous in their work, they process information/knowledge fast, you know, whatever helps in a fucked up JC.

These 2 years, in a JC, I was so lucky I got promoted. I really don't know wht I did w/ the rest of my J2. I spent my time doing CIPs, became an OGL and danced a whole lot of the time. But you know wht? At the end of the day, I was the one who made the decisions, all these things were optional, they weren't necessary, I could choose to say no. I had plenty of hours clocked in for CIP alrdy, OGL would eat up my study time and likewise, so would dance. But how many people hv the chance to do what I did? T dance at a competition w/ the best dancemates ever, t cheer until you lose your voice, t become a Chingay motivator and clock tons of hours for CIP? I hv told zy so many times that I wldn't give ANY of these experiences up even if I had a chance t. Now, come t think of it, maybe I shld've forgone some of them. Not tht I didn't enjoy them, but t focus on my studies, work hard, concentrate better. Shit man, who am I kidding? Would I hv woken up then if I stopped all these?

You know I'm really regretting it now. Not settling down early in my J2 year and not studying properly. Not knowing the basics at the back of my hand and not repeating J1. I shld hv repeated my year 1. It would hv been hell, but I shld hv. I shldn't hv even come t a JC. But since I did, and it wasn't in my will at tht point of time so I can't change tht. Instead, I shld hv took things in my stride, studied harder, I shld hv quit being so playful, I shld hv gotten more of my priorities right. All these spell t one word. Regret. The results date isn't even near yet and I'm alrdy so fucking stressed out. WTF am I doing? WTF hv I been doing? If I get rejected by all of the 4 universities I applied for in Canada, WTF am I going t do? Applying is no easy shit. Its crazy hard work + fuck loads of money. Each university I apply for takes an approximate 100 CAD (Canadian dollars), some more, some less. Besides paying, I hv t do all the supplemental applications which involve all the passages I hv t write/brainstorm for, all the shit I hv t fill in. I've applied for 4 universities, thinking of applying for one more. SO JUST IMAGINE THE HORROR. When you guys were out playing, flying kites, swimming in Sentosa, going t genting and sitting on fucking roller coasters, wht the fuck was I doing? I want t do it (the supplemental applications) well so I put in effort. I don't want t waste the money my daddy 'invested' on me. But if bcs of my results, all these hard work gets wasted? All the money goes down the drain? No university wants me? How the hell am I gna look and face my daddy? I alrdy feel so fucking sad tht he's pretty damn upset about my brother's results. AND I FEEL SO FUCKING BOTHERED BCS I DON' THINK I WILL DO WELL EITHER.

If only I could miraculously get good grades, just reasonable grades (I don't need all As honestly). Or maybe its time t start studying for As all over agn?


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